Women on Men Jokes

Three women are at lunch, discussing the pros and cons of plastic surgery. The first lady says “I’ve got to be honest with you. I’m going in for a boob job next week” “Likewise” said the second lady “I’m having the cellulite removed from my thighs” not to be outdone the third lady piped in “Well I’m having my arse hole bleached” And in unison the other two said “you’re hubby will never suit being a blonde”

As a woman left her house one morning she noticed an unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. There were two black hearses spaced about 50 metres apart. Behind the second hearse there was a woman walking a pit bull terrier on a leash. And, behind her there were 200 women in single file. Curiosity got the better of the spectator so she went up to the lady with the pit bull and asked her about the peculiar funeral cortege. “Well” replied the lady “The first car carries my late hubby. This dog here killed him. The second car carries my mother in law. She tried to defend my husband so the dog killed her as well.” “incredible!!” replies the bystander “do you think I could borrow the dog?” she asks “join the end of the queue” was the reply.

She was in the kitchen cooking boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?" She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment". He, thinking it's his lucky day, lays her over the kitchen table and they have sex. Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?" She says "The egg timer's broken!"

A cowboy marries a cow girl She was an innocent bride with no experience. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?" The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!" After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?" The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!" Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis. "Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?" "Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly, "That's ma'rope!" She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks. "Honey, those're my knots!" he answers. Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!" Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?" "No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"

First Lady:- I think my boyfriend's cheating on me.

Second Lady:- Really, which one?

A married couple in their forties were celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary. They were approached by a fairy who granted them a wish each for being such an exemplary couple. The wife wanted to travel the world with her dear husband, and with a wave of the wand two tickets for the QE2 appeared. The husband thought for a moment and said that although it sounded bad, he wished for a wife 20 years younger than himself. So, with a wave of the wand, the fairy turned him into an old age pensioner.

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have great news! I'm getting married to Mary Collins, the most beautiful girl in town." After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I... Well, I have to tell you that I've slept with other women. Mary is your half-sister! You can't marry her." George was heartsick after he broke the engagement and didn't date for a year. But, after while, he came home and proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father took him aside and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this." George mad enough that he went to his mother with the news. "Dad's such a jerk! I'm never going to get married!" he swore. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is his daughter!" "I wish you'd told me this before." his mother said, shaking her head. "Don't be worried by anything he says. He's not really your father."

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." “In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!"

1^st Lady “All my husband and I have in common now is that we dislike the same things.

2^nd Lady “Such as.?”

1^st Lady “Each other”

Shirley is off to Dublin for a hen party weekend. As her husband Dick drops her off at the airport he says “Have a good time, honey” She replies “Thanks darling. What would you like me to bring back for you?” Dick laughed, patted her rump and said “A pretty little Irish girl” Susan, fuming inwardly, said nothing. Dick collected her from the airport late on the Monday evening and said “Nice to have you home darling. Did you bring back the present I asked for?” “Which present was that?” was the reply “The pretty little Irish girl” says Dick. “Oh that” replied Shirley. “Well I’ve done everything I could but we’ll just have to wait nine months and see what sex it is”

A BLONDE GUY GETS HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND HEARS STRANGE NOISES COMING FROM THE BEDROOM. HE RUSHES UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED ON THE BED, SWEATING AND PANTING. "WHAT'S UP?" HE SAYS. "I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK," CRIES THE WOMAN. HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO GRAB THE PHONE, BUT JUST AS HE'S DIALING, HIS 4-YEAR-OLD SON COMES UP AND SAYS "DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN YOUR CLOSET AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON!" THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND STORMS UPSTAIRS INTO THE BEDROOM, PAST HIS SCREAMING WIFE, AND RIPS OPEN THE WARDROBE DOOR. SURE ENOUGH, THERE IS HIS BROTHER, TOTALLY NAKED, COWERING ON THE CLOSET FLOOR. "YOU ROTTEN SON OF A BITCH," SAYS THE HUSBAND, "MY WIFE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND NAKED SCARING THE KIDS!"

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar – A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice. "So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... In one second the sharp lime taste hits...... At two seconds the Baileys curdles .... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?" She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge"

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time". The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your dick's bigger than your brother's".

HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
WIFE: I clean the toilet.
HUSBAND: How does that help?
WIFE: I use your toothbrush.

Two ladies were sitting having their morning coffee. One says to the other “My sponge cake was a little soggy when I took it out the oven today. I don’t know whether I’ve put too much milk in the mixture”. The other lady said “Irene would know” Half an hour later the first lady said “when I was doing my laundry the other day my clothes came out of the spin dryer a little streaky. So I’m not sure whether I’ve put too much washing powder into the machine” and the reply was “Irene would know the answer to that.” After another poser was answered by the comment “Irene would know”. The first lady said “Okay, I’ll ask. Who the devil is this Irene lady? “My husband first wife’s” was the reply.

Q:- Why can’t single women fart?

A:- They don’t have an a***hole until they get married?

Q:- Why do men always smile when they’re sitting on the toilet ?

A:- So they know which end to wipe?

A GLAMOROUS thirtysomething woman trying on a black suit in a Glasgow store the other week was approached by a fellow shopper, as happens in Glasgow, and was told that she looked fabulous in the outfit. "Is it for a special occasion?" the chatty woman asked. "Yes," the woman in the suit replied. "My husband's funeral." "Oh, I'm terribly sorry," the inquisitive one asked. "When is it?" "I don't know," said the woman in the suit. "I haven't killed him yet."

Q:- What's the difference between men and women ?

A:- Men are grabbit all month long?

A man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage, 'Did you see me rob this bank'. The hostage answers 'Yes'. The robber promptly shoots her in the head. Then he asks the second hostage if she saw him rob the bank. The hostage answers, 'No, but my husband did'.

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