----- Original Message -----

From: John Park

To: John.Preston@jps-cal.co.uk ; John Brogan ; Tom Ross ; lawrence houlachan ; Jim Robson ; bobandjeansinclair@googlemail.com ; Freeland, Alison ; Muriel Dunlop ; kensmith ; ARCHIE PARK ; billandanna@blueyonder.co.uk ; KEVIN KENNEDY ; tam.cowan@dailyrecord.co.uk

Sent: Friday, August 07, 2009 12:39 PM

Subject: Re: this weeks rant

 

Weekly rant ending 7/08/09

 

As my grandfather, great grandfather and great great grandfather were all miners

(previous ancestors to that were hand loom weavers) I've always had an interest in the history of coal mining. My father ran away from home rather than start work in Kingshill no.2. I don't blame him. I once read a Ken Follet book called a "Sense of Freedom" where a 19 year old mine worker ran away from home and was persued all his life by the mine owners family. At the lads babtism the local land owner gave the parents 20 Guinees. This gave the pit owner the kids labour from he was about eight until he was 21.  

 I came across a book in the library called Mineworkers by Robert Duncan. And yes there was an act in Scots law in 1681 in which mine workers could be bound to land owners. It wasn't much short of slavery under the reason of national efficiency.

  Back then the father was the coal face worker who would start work around 8 pm on a 12 or 14 hour shift. The mother and all the kids over 7 or 8 would gather the hewn coal and take it to the pit head via a contingent of ladders and platforms.

It wasn't until an 1842 act when females and boys under 12 were banned from going down mines. Tough times.

Interesting reading.

 

 

 

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' 

The father replied.  'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

 

 

 

Supplied by Jim Robson

 

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed
to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the
beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my
wine and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly
remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 

 

My spanking stories from last week reminded me of this old football joke. The Motherwell supporter says to his pal at work on the Monday morning. "How come I never see you at the Football on a Saturday since you got married?."  "It's the missus" replied the pal "She dosn't like me going to the footy" "Do what I do. Before I leave the house I get a hold of my wife and give her a good spanking" The next Monday morning the Motherwell supporter says to his buddy. "Where were you on Saturday?" "Well, I did what you suggested. I grabbed the missus put her over my knee, lifted up her skirt then pulled down her knickers then I said to myself 'Motherwell arn't playing very well just now'   

 

 

Friday 31 st July

 

We watched a documentary about Phil Kay last night. Can't see much funniness there at all. Okay one can accept that he's an a good improviser ie off the top of his head stuff but in my view it doesn't have much entertainment value. And yet he said he once had an advert slot with one of the whisky giants which paid him 70 K.  He's nearly as bad as Bill Baillie.

  I've just read an article in the Daily Mail about the stand up Michael McIntyre. It say's he's UK's favourite funnyman. Where are peoples sense of humour? There's nothing outstandingly funny about that guy's stuff. Or that cocky Iranian Omid Djalali who thinks he's funny but he's not.

 

Give me Hector Nicol, Jim Davidson, Bernard Manning, Hal Roach, Mike Reid, Dusty Young, Norman Slater (Blackpool's Philarmonic Club) or even the smarmy Bob Monkhouse any day. I always remember a few years back when Bob Monkhouse got two lever arch files of jokes stolen from his dressing room at the Palladium. The next week he went on stage and said "I don't know why the police don't go and arrest the guy. It's so obvious. Jim Bowen has 'all of a sudden' become funny." Now that must get ten out of ten for cockiness. 

  

 

 

At the breakfast table this morning my eight year old grandson is sitting having his porridge. I came in from the shop and laid the papers down. Liz lifts the Daily Mail and there's a bit on the front page about Madaline McCann and a possible Ausy connection. She says "That kid must be old enough now to phone home and make contact with her parents". I said to Oliver "If somebody abducted you, would you call up your mum and tell her where you were?"

"That would depend on what the food and cartoon channel were were like" was the reply.

 

The cheeky wee monkey.

 

 

A few weeks back when we were on holiday in Greece the two kids were in and out the pool all morning when a shower of rain came on. Liz shouted over from an open kitchen door Come in out the rain or you're going to get soaken wet.

 

The old couple were reminiscing about their courting days. They decided to go back to the bus stop where he used to see her home from. After more recounting they decide to round the back of the shelter and have a bit sex against the wire fence. “My goodness” he said “That was better than it was 30 years ago” She replied “The fence wasn’t electrified then”

 

 

just a reminder of my web site joke pages in case you want some more humour.

 

 

 

Old joke page

 

  http://draughtsmen.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/Jokes%20&%20Cartoons.htm 

 

 

                                                                           

New joke page 

 

  http://draughtsmen.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/jokes_by_type.htm

 

 

 

                                                                 

 

John Park

Motherwell

 

 

----- Original Message -----

From: John Park

To: John.Preston@jps-cal.co.uk ; John Brogan ; Tom Ross ; lawrence houlachan ; Jim Robson ; bobandjeansinclair@googlemail.com ; Freeland, Alison ; Muriel Dunlop ; kensmith ; ARCHIE PARK ; billandanna@blueyonder.co.uk ; KEVIN KENNEDY

Sent: Thursday, July 30, 2009 2:24 PM

Subject: Re: this weeks rant

 

week ending 31/ 07 / 09

 

 

In the pub the other night the bloke says to his pal  "You think you've got problems. My mother-in-law has got a twin sister"

 

In the other pub the bloke said "I bought my wife a bag and a belt for her birthday. The hoover works a treat now."

 

 

What do you call two Aberdonians hanging on a washing line?

A pair of tights.

 

This bloke gets a lumber and ends up back at her place. When he gets up in the morning he sees a picture on the dressing table. He says to his new girlfriend "Is that your ex or is it your brother?" she replied "that's me before I  had the operation". 

 

The teacher says to the young pupil "What does your dad do for a living Tommy?" "He's a magician Sir" "And what is his favourite routine?" "He likes to saw people in two" says Tommy. "Fascinating" says the teacher "Who else is in your family?" "Sir, I've got a half brother and two half sisters"

 

I've just booked tickets for Stephen K Amos. He's at the Kings Concert Hall on the 1st of Feb. next year. This guys "stand up routine" is brilliant so if you want to see him I would advise you to book now.

 

The other night I worked on until about half past eleven. When I came down the stairs Liz said to me "There's been a helicopter buzzing about out there all night and I can still hear it's motor humming so I think It's hovering above our house. Can you have a look?" I looked out our front window then said to Liz "It's the bloke next door. He's out cutting his grass" Yes, 11.30 pm and he's out cutting the grass on his front lawn. There's a lot of funny people about. But I suppose they could be saying the same thing about me.

 

It reminds me of Paddy saying to his pal in the pub one night "Mick, I read in the paper this morning that in one of every five houses there stays a poofter" "That's strange" replies Mick "because the two blokes who stay either side of me are as straight as a die."

 

It also reminds me of the bloke who gets home from the pub and says to his missus I was talking to the postman who does this street and he says he's made love to every women in the street except one. "oh" replied his wife "That'll probably be that stuck up bitch at number 32."

 

On the subject of Paddy and Mick. Mick's trying to do a crossword. He say's "Paddy, I'm stuck on 2 down. A flightless bird from Iceland. 6 and 7 letters. "That's easy" says Paddy "Frozen Chicken"

 

Or the one where Paddy phones up the newspaper and asks how much it is to put an advert in. "Ten pounds an inch" was the reply. "Forget it" says Paddy "I'm trying to sell a forty foot ladder"

 

 

I watched a repeat / highlights of the sitcom "Duty Free" the other night. I thought the comedy in that program was brilliant. Particularly the scene where Gwen Taylor caught Linda Cochran in her husband Keith's arms. She said "I thought I would have to go and get a pale of water to separate the two of you."

 

Did you hear about the two blondes having an al fresco lunch. After the rain came on it took them two and a half hours to finish their soup.

 

I read today's (Wednesday 29th) "Just Joan" agony column in the Record. One of the stories went like this "My husband spanks me when I'm naughty. He's done this ever since our honeymoon and we're now in our sixties. Am I being abused?"  No wonder I don't buy the Daily Record. It was lying in the barbers shop when I went for a haircut.

 

 

It reminds me of the one about the mother tidying her fifteen year old son's bedroom. She comes across some sado-masochistic magazines under his mattress. She takes them down to her husband and asks him what he's going to do about it. "There's one thing for sure" Says the boys father "I'm certainly not going to spank him"      

      

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

week ending 25 / 07 / 09

 

 

 

I was away on a three day advanced CAD course a few weeks ago. It's funny scenario at something like that nobody knows anybody else but the bottom line is that we're all Jock Tampson's bairns. So at the first tea break somebody "else" told a joke.  It was about the bloke walking down the road carrying an typewriter a bunch of folders and a filofax. When the policeman asked him what he was doing he replied "Impersonating an office, sir"  Now that was the cue that I had been waiting on. I immediately carried on "Talking about office furniture I remember the time when I ran a small company in Whitburn. I went in one morning and Margaret the lady who ran the office says to me "the photocopier is not working John can you have a look at it?"  I opened the side door and pulled out a crinkled piece of paper from the rollers. When I spread it out on the desk it was a bare bum. It's the cleaners I announced. Margaret lifted the the wrinkled piece of paper and strutted out of the office saying "I'm going to fire her" Five minutes later came back in to my office spread the copy on my desk and said "How can you be sure it's hers?" "Well" I said "See that wart on the left cheek. Not a lot of women have ......" she cut me off punching me in the shoulder saying "John can't you have a serious conversation with somebody for a change" I had seen the cleaner in working the night before and her boyfriend was also there supposedly helping her." 

I don't know how good I was at solid modeling at the end of the course but I would have got first prize at storytelling.

 

On the Wednesday night we all met up in this pub where there was a karaoke type of night on. Halfway through the evening I said "I now know how the local Yorkshire guys get their kicks. They rub ecstasy into the flesh at the bottom of their teeth" "How do you make that out" asked one of the lads. "Well" I said "every time they come back from the toilet they always say "e by gum" "

 

 

 

Supplied by John Brogan

 

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried, the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date,  the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating  Susan!'

 

 

We were at the recent Neil Sedaka gig in Glasgow. He told us about the period between 1958 and 1963 during which he sold 40 million albums. He  said a  then unknown group called the Beetles came on the scene and knocked him of his perch. However, they came they done it and they went but I'm still here and I've just brought out a new album called "Waking up is hard to do" and it's on sale at the foyer. What charisma?

 

 

Anyway we're just back from a weeks holiday in Skopolas a Greek island where they filmed Mama Mia. My sister Muriel emigrated there a few years back. On the drive down to Newcastle just after Carlisle Liz said "There's a noise coming from outside the car. Have you checked that the wheels are bolted on properly?" "Yes" I said "I did that before we left to go last year" "Stop, Stop" she hollered. Eventually after cutting off on to the Hexham road I pulled into a lay by. I got out the car and looked round about. Liz rolled the window down and asked what was wrong. I said "The strap and buckle of your coat are on the outside of the door and are flapping up and down"

Everything went fine until the customs hall. Liz and the kids went on in front of me. When I caught up with them Liz was pouring water into this large bin. I said "What are you doing?" She pointed to the sign below which read "Empty water bottles here" After a 4 hour flight we landed on an Island called Skiathos. Now Skiathos taxi drivers are not happy unless they have at least six cases in their boot and the lid up on top of them and tied down with a piece of rope. We then had a 45 minute boat ride to Skopolos. Muriel had a fantastic meal ready for us. Now I've got to tell you that Muriel is a Veggie.

(Did you hear about the vegetarian cannibal? He only ate swedes.) She had made this delicious Korma dish. I kept having extra helpings as I was sure there was meat in there somewhere. But no, none. I think I've worked it out how she manages to get that flavour she takes the meat out and feeds it to the cats before she dishes the food out. Then she sits back with that "Ain't I a good veggie cook" smirk on her face while the guests wire in to the superb tasting grub.  Anyway it was a very relaxing holiday which we all enjoyed.

When the plane got to Newcastle on the return leg it was pretty windy.

Oliver who was at a window seat "Kept saying to everybody within earshot "We're not landing this time the plane's going back up"  After four aborted landing attempts I looked around to see quite a few clenched fists on the elbow rests. 

 

Back home first stop was the Doc to have the blood pressure checked. When I got back to the house and told Liz the Quack said  that it was still pretty high and I had better get it checked every week. She replied "Well that solves next months birthday present dilemma. Boots are doing Blood pressure monitors on special offer."

 

John 

      

 

 

 

 

----- Original Message -----

From: John Park

To: billandanna@blueyonder.co.uk

Sent: Sunday, June 21, 2009 12:02 PM

Subject: Re: this weeks rant

 

 

----- Original Message -----

From: John Park

To: John Park ; John.Preston@jps-cal.co.uk ; John Brogan ; Tom Ross ; lawrence houlachan ; Jim Robson ; bobandjeansinclair@googlemail.com ; Freeland, Alison ; Muriel Dunlop ; kensmith ; ARCHIE PARK ; billandanna@blueyonder.co.uk

Sent: Saturday, June 20, 2009 12:47 PM

Subject: Re: this weeks rant

 

w/e 20 06 09

 

I was back up at the quack through the week for my blood test results. "Well" she said "I've got good and bad news. Your pancrease, kidneys and liver are all fine. but your chlorestral is way too high"  "Look at this" she said turning the screen round into my view. "I've fed in all your statistics. And I can tell you with these current levels you have a 30% chance of a coronary failure or a stroke within the next ten years" I said "that's amazing how a computer can work all that out" "Yes" she said "it sure takes all the guess work out of my job"  "What causes high cholesterol?" I asked. "Sometimes It's hereditary" she replied "My parents are now in their eighties and don't have any health problems" I said. "Well" the doc replied "Lack of exercise is an important factor" to that I responded "When my leg not so sore I walk the 5 miles round strathclyde park every other day and I swim about one and a half miles every Thursday evening" "Oh" She replied "Well it must be your diet. What kind of food do you eat?" "Listen doctor" I said "I eat whatever is put down in front of me. Anyway what about my sore leg?" "What sore leg?" she said with a smirk "Oh that sore leg" she said tapping my right knee. "Would you like some more pain killers?"     

 

 

 

I read in the paper through the week that the Scottish Executive are to spend £78,000 on a new web site. The name of which is to be "How to improve your sex life?" Now tell me what does anybody's sex life got to do with them? Do you think Nicola Sturgeon has got anything to do with this?

 

 

This couple are lying in bed at 3 am in the morning when they are awakened by a loud crash. "Quick, get out" she screamed. "It'll be my husband" He immediately opened the window and jumped out. When he got to his car he turned round and walked back to his house. He spoke to his wife saying "Wait a minute, I am your husband" "Then why did you run away?" she replied.

 

Two pals are sitting in the pub one night one says to the other "See while your at work tomorrow if I go over to your house and have it off with your missus, and she gets pregnant, will that make us related? "Don't no" replied his mate "But it sure will make us even"

 

Why are atheists always so poor?

Because they're a non prophet organization

 

BNP Leader Nick Griffin was pelted by eggs the other day. He said they should have separated the whites first.

 

Did you hear about the bloke who's mum's sister fell on a cruise ship and broke her leg.

He can't stop thinking about Aunt and Deck.

 

Or paddy who got an A letter delivered by the postman. When he looked at it lying inside his front door it had a sticker on it saying "DO NOT BEND" He thought to his self. How am I going to pick it up?

 

 

I liked the one through the week about the cancelled slim club notice. Somebody had written at the bottom of it.

Scales broken.

 

The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat.

 

Just as he gets up one morning the bloke says to his missus "Do want a little sex or some coffee?" "It's all one" says the wifey "They're both instant" 

 

 

This couple are strolling around a shopping mall. She gets her eye on pair of shoes. He defiantely said no way. Later on just after they go to bed he sugestively snuggles into her. She pushes him away saying. "If you can't shoe the horse you can't mount it"

 

Now, that is an old one.

Off course I had to clean it up a bit.

 

 

Why is milk the fastest drink in the world?

Because it's pasturised before you know it.

 

 

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

 

When a bloke was asked by his blonde girlfriend what he

wanted for his birthday he said "A green jumper" She ended up getting him a frog.

 

 

It's a sunny Saturday morning and this bloke is out doing a spot of gardening. After cutting the hedges he starts mowing the grass. A strange car pulls up. The driver rolls down the window and asks "How mutch do you get for gardening work around here?" "Well it's like this" says the gardener "You see, the lady who stays in this house, she lets me sleep with her"

 

 

Have you heard about the bloke who bought an inflatable sex doll, but demanded a refund by saying it had a penis. 

"No sir" the shop assistant said "You've just got it inside out"

 

 

 

A true story From  the Bristol Evening Post:

Outside Bristol Zoo is the car park, with spaces for 150 cars and 8 coaches. It has been manned 6 days a week for 23 years by the same charming and very polite car park attendant with the ticket machine. The charges are £1. per car and £5. per coach.

On Monday 1 June, he did not turn up for work. Bristol Zoo management phoned Bristol City Council to ask them to send a replacement parking attendant.

The Council said "That car park is your responsibility." The Zoo said "The attendant was employed by the City Council... wasn't he?" The Council said "What attendant?"

Gone missing from his home is a man who has been taking daily the car park fees amounting to about £400. per day for the last 23 years...!

Total sum just short £2.9 million.

 

Nice one __._,_.___

 

 

 

 

 

John

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

----- Original Message -----

From: John Park

To: John.Preston@jps-cal.co.uk ; John Brogan ; Tom Ross ; lawrence houlachan ; Jim Robson ; bobandjeansinclair@googlemail.com ; Freeland, Alison ; Muriel Dunlop ; kensmith ; ARCHIE PARK ; billandanna@blueyonder.co.uk

Sent: Saturday, June 13, 2009 10:39 AM

Subject: Re: this weeks rant

 

week ending 13/06/09

 

My right leg was giving me gyp through the week. It got to a stage I could hardly walk. Eventually. I went to the Doc. When I got back home Liz didn't utter a word of concern.

However she asked me If I wanted a cup of tea. Then she said "Did you ask the doctor If I could claim carers allowance?" 

 

 

 

 

I forgot to do last Saturday's lottery. Boy was my heart palpitating when I was flicking through

the Sunday paper looking for the results. I always pick the same numbers. What a sense

of relief when I didn't have one number.

 

 My granddaughter Sarah is daft about horses. I told her one Saturday afternoon when I came home from the pub. That if I won the lottery I would buy a small croft with a few stables. She could have her own horse and we would do stabling for other people. Now, every Sunday and Thursday morning she says to me "How did your lottery numbers go last night Papa?"

 

Reminds me of the time many many years ago when Liz used to ask me to get her a ticket.

I had taped the draw two weeks prior and put on the same winning numbers. I distracted Liz's attention and hit the play button at the correct time. After about half an hour of kissing hugging and celebrating Liz decided she wanted to phone our daughter. I can still feel the sting in my cheek from the slap I got after owning up to the hoax.

 

 

A typical Saturday night. He's down in the pub and she has just got the kids to bed. While tidying up she comes across this lottery ticket. Just then the late news comes on and as the newsman repeats the winning numbers. She checks each one. Six out of six. Then she turns the room upside down but can't find the receipt stub. It turns out that one of the kids had lifted a blank ticket and as the numbers were picked crossed them off.

 

    

 

 

reminds me of these jokes 

 

This Jew is desperate to win the lottery so he starts going to Synagogue every day to pray. After three weeks of nothing happening, the man suddenly hears the words “I want to help you but you must do something for me” "Anything, Allah” says the man. “Meet me halfway,” says the voice from above. “ Buy a ticket."

 

Did you hear about the old Jew who won the lottery? The first thing he did was to have a Statue of Adolf Hitler mounted in the middle of his garden. His next door neighbour says to him "That's an odd thing for a Jew to have in his garden" "Fair is fair" said the Jew "After all he supplied me with the winning numbers" pointing to the faded tattoo on his forearm.

 

Paddy and Mick are sitting in the pub one Saturday afternoon. Mick fills in his lottery ticket picking the numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 & 6. He hands the ticket to Mick and asks him to put in on. Mick looks at the numbers and says "That'll never come up in a million years" The next day they're sitting at the same table and Mick's flicking through the paper. Paddy asks him what the lottery numbers are. "7, 8, 9, 10, 11 &12" was the reply.

 

 

Oliver my Grandson was at Galashiels on Sunday for a judo competition. He won a Gold meal in the "under tens" section. And he is only eight and a half. His photo is enclosed. Mark my words he's really good and if he stays at it he'll go places.

 

 

What do you make of Gordon Ramsay on Tuesday? Some people say he can give out stick but can't take it. Personally I didn't know he was In Australia and I wouldn't have cared whether I knew or not. With prime time news and front page exposure everybody and uncle Tom Cobly now know. It must be one of the biggest publicity stunts ever. Nice one Gordon.

 

 

 

 

 

John

 

 

 

 

----- Original Message -----

From: John Park

To: John.Preston@jps-cal.co.uk ; John Brogan ; Tom Ross ; lawrence houlachan ; Jim Robson ; bobandjeansinclair@googlemail.com ; Freeland, Alison ; Muriel Dunlop ; kensmith ; ARCHIE PARK ; billandanna@blueyonder.co.uk

Sent: Saturday, June 06, 2009 10:27 AM

Subject: Re: this weeks rant

 

A limousine full of teenagers has just went by the house.

 

It reminded me of the time our granddaughter Sarah left the Primary School to go the High School. About half a dozen girls clubbed together and hired this Stretch-limo. When the car arrived at our gate Sarah came out the house and walked over. Just then the chauffeur got out the car opened up the boot took out what looked like a bottle of bubbly from an ice bucket and poured Sarah a glass. Liz said to me "go over and find out what that is". I walked over spoke to the driver walked back to Liz. I said to her "It's okay" he say's "He's got a special license from the Council. He is allowed to serve alcohol to 12 year olds when they're in his car" Liz took the bait hook line and sinker. She flew over to the driver in a rage. Eventually the driver got her to calm down. After she took a sample drink of the fizzy lemonade she looked  over to me with gritted teeth and clenched fists saying "SEE YOU"  

 

 

 

I was at Bellshill baths on Thursday night for my weekly swimming stint. When I looked in my bag my swimming trunks were missing. However I opened one of the side pouches and found an old pair. Only thing was there was a hole in the back of them. Not thinking anyone would notice I put them on. When I walked by the shallow end this little kid in the water shouted up "Haw Mister there's a hole in your backside" I had to clean that up a bit.

Liz had taken the trunks out of my bag to wash them and forgot to put them back. Now that poses a question. Why would anybody want to wash swim trunks?

The female mind !!  

 

 

Later on on Thursday evening we watched Alan Sugar's the apprentice. Now don't you think Alan should take a leaf out of Victor Kiam's book. What was it he said about Remington? "I liked the shave so much I bought the company"

 

 

The piece in the Heralds Diary told us about the poster which read "Keep the Germs Down."

 

Someone had erased the "m".

 

reminded me of this true story.

 

Around the corner from the old Motherwell Cross next to the Masonic Halls there is the Motherwell Times Office. And what happened a few months back? yes somebody stole the "E" from the Times sign.

 

 

 

Worst "bad taste" joke of the week must be.

 

What do you get if you cross the Atlantic ocean with a French Air Bus?

"About half way"

 

 

Did you hear about the Rangers supporters bus that came back from Dundee carrying the swine flue bug. Now there must be a few good huns sorry, puns there but I don't think I'll go down that road.

Oh, to hell with it. I wonder if the swine flu virus is okay. Nicola Sturgeon has just announced that another sympton for the disease has been added to the list. That is having a "blue nose"  A Tim could say "Rangers fans are all boars and that's what they get for trying to hog the limelight"

 

 

 

 

 

----- Original Message -----

From: John Park

To: John.Preston@jps-cal.co.uk ; John Brogan ; Tom Ross ; lawrence houlachan ; Jim Robson ; bobandjeansinclair@googlemail.com ; Freeland, Alison ; Muriel Dunlop ; kensmith ; ARCHIE PARK ; billandanna@blueyonder.co.uk

Sent: Saturday, May 30, 2009 10:20 AM

Subject: Re: this weeks rant

 

Hi all

 

Did you read about Scott Rennie the first Chuch of Scotland homosexual minister. It beggars belief. This guy is in an open poofter relationship and he is going to christen baby's, wed couples and bury people. As well as stand up in a pulpit and talk about ethics, morals, good living. It's not been given a lot of puplicity in this country (I wonder why?) but it's making the headline news all over Canada and the U.S.A. AND NO WONDER. I feel ashamed to be Scottish. I bet John Knox and many others are turning in their graves. One other thing I will say:- I admire the Catholic Church for their comments in this matter. They also took the correct stance when it came to foster children going to same sex parents and that was "not if we've got anything to do with it".

 

 

Did you hear about the gay Priest. He said "I thought the Canon said allways celebrate"

 

 

anyway it brings to mind these old chestnuts

 

The two poofs went to the shows as one was frightened of heights he stood on the ground while his pal went on the the big wheel. All of a sudden there was a creaking and crunching and the sound of things breaking. The carriage that carried the uphill gardener came crashing to the ground. His pal came running over saying "Are you hurt?" "off course I'm hurt. I waved to you three times and not once did you wave back"

 

 

And the other two homos were driving down the M 74 when this lorry driver careered over the carriageway and pushed their car into the central barriers. Eventually they pulled up in the hard shoulder. The poofter driver jumped out of the car saying "I'll sue him for this" When he approached the brusque lorry driver he let our a tirade of threats about what he was going to do. The long distance driver turned round and said "F*** off and away and suck my c***". When he got back to the car and his pall asked if he got things sorted out the reply was "I think we're going to settle out of court"

 

I must have some memory to come up with these. Don't you think?

 

 

Nothing on my web site worth mentioning this week. 

 

 

Big Tam Ross telt me last night that I was far better at writing jokes than I was at

telling them. I know he was bit pissed and that a drunk mans words are a sober mans thoughts

but I was told a long long time ago not to give up my day time job. And I never have but it doesn't

stop me from giving it a go.  

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi everybody

 

Did you see the bit in the paper about the 66 year old lady who's about have a baby. It's clearly a case of a granny wanting to be a mammy. Personally, I think it's gross. Des O'Conner has certainly started something there. Anyway the last time it happened the woman in question was 62 and the joke that circulated then was.

 

After the 62 year old got home from the hospital and settled in, a cousin travelled a far distance to visit her. Desperate to see the baby the first thing she said was "where is he?" She replied "I've just given him his bottle and he's sleeping" "Can't I just take a peep" "No" the mother says "he wakens easily" after coffee "The visiter asks again about where the baby is. "To tell you the truth" says the old mother "After I fed him I put him down some where so I'm waiting for him to start crying so that I can find him"

 

One of Liz's "long time ago" friends decided to get married again so we were at her wedding on Friday. It's the first time i've been at an O.A.P. wedding and it certainly bucks the trend for the town of Airdrie. 

 

At a supermarket check out in Airdrie a young mother is in the queue. Her pre school daughter points to a "You Must be 18 to purchase alcoholic drinks" sign saying ."maw you''re no gonna get out with ah that bevy" "It's ah right hen I've goat my fake I.D. on me" was the reply.

 

I'm aware that supermarkets have now got an "Over 25" policy" but that was an old joke. I keep getting asked for my I.D. or is that the wumin up at the Asda checkout trying to take the piss? 

 

On the first day at an Airdrie Primary school after the introductions the teacher asked if anybody had anything to say. The first wee girl put her hand up and said "Please miss, you taught my big sister" the second little girl said "Please miss, you taught my mother" When the third lass got her turn she said "Please miss, you taught my granny's boyfriend"

 

 

Anyway, after the meal Liz whispered to me "That's my pals sister. She's teetotal and in the AA so don't sit at that table" I said "What kind of car does she drive?"

 

 

 

 

 

This weeks best joke is a real cracker. It's a little risque so if you don't like that sort of thing don't go there. I've rearranged the page layout to put the newest stuff at the top. 

 

http://draughtsmen.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/miscellaneous_jokes.htm

 

 

  John     

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

----- Original Message -----

From: John Park

To: ARCHIE PARK ; John.Preston@jps-cal.co.uk ; John Brogan ; Tom Ross ; lawrence houlachan ; Jim Robson ; bobandjeansinclair@googlemail.com ; Freeland, Alison ; Muriel Dunlop ; kensmith

Sent: Sunday, May 17, 2009 3:39 PM

Subject: Re: this weeks rant

 

 

 

Hi everybody

 

I've just read one of the Paul O'Grady Biographies. When he was once asked at an interview

about his sense of humour he talked about the Scots comedy programs Rab C Nisbit and Still Game. He said he always got the punch lines immediately and didn't need any sub-titles. Not like his fellow Englishmen. If memory serves Paul was actually born in Ireland and moved to England at a very young age. Now, doesn't that tell you something?.

 

About a fortnight ago we took my mum and dad to my brother Archie's house for Sunday dinner. As it was my mother's birthday Liz (my wife) brought a cake with her. After we all sung happy birthday and mum blew out the three candles. I said to Liz "What age is our daughter Yvonne on her next birthday?" "thirty eight" was the reply. I then took the 83 from the cake handed the numbers to Liz and said "put these in your bag and it'll save you some money when you buy our Yvonne's next birthday cake"

 

We were at the Stonehouse Agricultural show yesterday. Sarah was doing her first showjumping stint. As I left the bar tent this young girl shouted out to me "Would you like your face painted mister?" i said "No, but would it be all right if I sent my wife over?"

 

 Later on as we watched the prize bull award being presented Liz came over to me and said "I've just been talking to that steward over there and he tells me that that bull mated 200 times last year. Now that's what I would call a terrific sexual performance rate, don't you think?" she smirked with a sly grin. I replied by saying "Go over and ask the official if it was with the same old cow every time?."

 

 

Now that reminds me of this one.

 

 

This farmer saved up all his dosh and went out and bought a new cow.

As he was keen to get a calf and milk he put the bull to it right away. But the cow rejected 

all the bulls sexual advances. The same thing happpened every day when he put the two 

of them together. After a week the farmer was distraught so he called the vet. The vet leaned against the gate rubbing his chin pondering in thought as he watched the cows antics as the bull tried to have his way. "Tell me something" says the vet "Did you buy that cow in Bearsden?" "That's amazing" says the farmer "How did you know that?" " My wife comes from Bearsden" said the vet.

 

Reading the paper this morning I noticed that the Modern Homes Exibition is on just now at the S.E.C.C.  Quite a few years back it was called the Ideal Homes Exibition. The one and only time I took Liz to it she stopped at the very first stall and started talking to this lady about kitchen sinks or something.  I continued to walk on for about 5 yards.  When I turned round to see where she was Liz pointed to me saying to the woman "See If it wasn't for him I would have an ideal home"

 

Give and take eh.

 

 

This weeks jokes

 

 

    http://draughtsmen.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/miscellaneous_jokes.htm

 

 

 

John  

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

----- Original Message -----

From: John Park

To: ARCHIE PARK ; John.Preston@jps-cal.co.uk ; John Brogan ; Tom Ross ; lawrence houlachan ; Jim Robson ; bobandjeansinclair@googlemail.com ; Muriel Dunlop ; Freeland, Alison

Sent: Wednesday, April 29, 2009 9:52 AM

Subject: Re: swine flue humour

 

Hi all

 

Couldn't resist sending this lot out

 

http://draughtsmen.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/miscellaneous_jokes.htm

 

the last three on the page.

 

 

John

 

 

 

----- Original Message -----

From: John Park

To: ARCHIE PARK ; John.Preston@jps-cal.co.uk ; john Brogan ; Tom Ross ; lawrence houlachan ; Jim Robson ; bobandjeansinclair@googlemail.com ; muriel Dunlop ; Freeland, Alison

Sent: Saturday, April 25, 2009 1:45 PM

Subject: Re: joke of the week

 

 

 

Hi all

 

Jokes of the week can be found at

 

http://draughtsmen.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/miscellaneous_jokes.htm

 

 

Oliver Park my grandson has taken up judo as his main sport. Please find enclosed

an excerpt from the Motherwell Times web site. I know i've sent some of you this before

but i'm really proud of Oliver as I was also Scottish Champion at the same sport. He's entered another two competitions next month and i'm expecting him to do equally as well.  

 

http://www.motherwelltimes.co.uk/sport/Exciting-prospect-wins-gold.4527637.jp

 

 

And what do you think of Susan Boyle? some folk didn't like her too much but thought she

was a great ambassador for the unkown talent in scotland. I didn't like the herald's diary joke that talked about the two blokes in the pub where one said to the other "What do you think about the latest talent show star Susan Boyle?" "Typical wumin" replied the second  fella "She sings one half decent song and then flaunts her coupon all round the world"  

Think about it, Barack Obama gets 18 million hits on u-tube for his acceptance speech

and at the last count Susan has over 100 million hits. So there's many a true word said in jest.

 

The other interesting true story that was in the Mail on Sunday last week and was about the two reporters who went to Blackburn to enquire about Susan were told that she had entered a singing competition about eight years ago in Fauldhouse Miners Welfare. When the reporters

visited the club and asked the Social Convenor about why Susan didn't get into the final? He replied "This is Fauldhouse Miners Welfare and when we have a talent contest the  singing is at a very standard" I suppose this is the type of reply one would expect from a committee man in a Miners Welfare !!!

 

 

 

John

 

 

 

----- Original Message -----

From: John Park

To: bobandjeansinclair@googlemail.com ; ARCHIE PARK ; Freeland, Alison ; John.Preston@jps-cal.co.uk ; john Brogan ; Tom Ross ; lawrence houlachan ; Jim Robson ; muriel Dunlop

Sent: Saturday, April 04, 2009 12:53 PM

Subject: Re: joke of the week

 

 

http://draughtsmen.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/Irish%20Jokes.htm

 

 

Joke of the week. Click on link above.  I know it's an oldie but some of you may not be old enough to remember it.

It's the first one on the list.

 

 

John