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Policeman Jokes
I collated these up so everybody can now take the piss out of big Tam Ross.
This policeman walks up to two shady characters at the back of a house. The bloke at the bottom of the ladder just ignores the cop and acts as if he isn’t there. The law officer stands there with his hands behind his back and says “Do you know who I am?” “haw Tam” shouts the would be burglar to his pal at the top of the ladder “there’s a fellow here who doesn’t know who he is”
This policeman is walking down a country when he notices a parked car which is bouncing up and down. He walks over sees a couple hard at it. Then he chaps the widow with his torch and shouts “I’m next” Just then the bloke in the car starts shaking and is visibly nervous. His girlfriend asks “What’s the matter?” “I’ve never sh***** a policeman before” He replies.
Two mounted police who are stopped at lights look down at this young lad on a push bike. One of them says, “Where did you get the bike son?” The lad replies “From Santa Clause” “Well I want you to write to Santa” says the cop with a smirk “And tell him you need a bell and a light for your bike” The kid then asks the cops “Where did you get the horses?” With another smirk the cop says “Oh they came from Santa too” “Well you should also write to Santa,” says the kid “Because on a horse the pricks are normally on the underside”
It was the end of the day when the cop parked my police van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and a little boy staring in at him. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "Yes" replied the cop. Puzzled, the boy looked at him and then toward the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
An old lady gets flagged down for speeding. The officer asks “Can I see your licence please” “Ain’t got one “replied the old lady. “I got it taken off me for drunk driving” “Can I see your insurance” asks the policeman. “Not got any” responded the old dear “I stole the car and killed the driver. He’s in the boot.” The copper immediately called for reinforcements. Within a few minutes the place covered in siren screaming police cars. The sergeant approached the driver and said “My officer tells me you stole this car murdered the driver and put him in the boot” The woman lifts the rear lid to reveal an empty boot and hands the Sergeant her licence and insurance and says “Bet the liar told you I as speeding as well”
This car is flying down the M74 with a traffic cop in hot pursuit. Finally after the car stopped the cop approached the car and said to the driver "I hope you've got a good reason for travelling at 120 MPH." "Yeah I have" replied the bloke "Last year my wife ran away with traffic cop and I thought that was him bringing her back" "Have a good day" said the cop as he turned and walked away. That last bit of the story isn't true.
The Copper takes the sectioned bloke up to Hartwood and puts him in a cell as instructed. On the way out the Cop asks the governor how he determines that somebody has lost their marbles. "We just ask them a simple question" replies the prison boss. "Like What?" Asks the cop. "Well if you have a bath full of water and you were asked to empty it which would you choose from a teaspoon , a teacup or a pale?" "That's easy" said the cop "The pale" "A sane person would pull the bath plug" Says the Gov. "Would you like a bed in a side or main ward ?"
During the pit strike in the early 80's a female cop is sitting on a horse at the gates of the Ravenscraig. One of the striking coalminers says to her "Your horse is sweating like a pig hen" "Well" she replied "So would you be if you had been between my legs for the last four hours"