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An 80 year old bloke goes to the doc for his annual check up. The medic tell the O.A.P. everything is fine. "You are getting on in years George" Says the medic "so are you at peace with God?" "Yeah fine" says George "my eyesight is starting to fail a little. So in the middle of night I had to get up to go to the bathroom. He fixed it so I can see. When I opened the door the light came on and when I finish it goes off. The Doc was so amazed by this story he telephoned George's wife. When he told her about it she screamed "Oh no, he's peed in the fridge again"

An elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walked into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar was an elderly looking lady (mid eighties). The gentleman walked over, sat along side of her, ordered a drink, took a sip, turned to her and said, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

An elderly gentleman had suffered from serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor, and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor, and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other, and said, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now, and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim said, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really? Like a new-born baby?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman -- already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet -- who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Lost in the supermarket two old guys are pushing their trolleys around when they collide. The first says to the second, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too, and I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The second old guy says, "Well, mine is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big breasts, and is wearing a mini skirt. What does your wife look like?" "Never f***ing mind her” said the first old bloke “let's look for yours."

A friend of an eighty-year-old who had just got married to a much younger girl says to him “How is married life?” “Marvellous” replied the old fellow “We do it nearly every night. Nearly on a Monday……… Nearly on a Tuesday…….. Nearly on a Wednesday………”

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?" "Twenty-six," he said.

A married couple in their forties were celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary. They were approached by a fairy who granted them a wish each for being such an exemplary couple. The wife wanted to travel the world with her dear husband, and with a wave of the wand two tickets for the QE2 appeared. The husband thought for a moment and said that although it sounded bad, he wished for a wife 20 years younger than himself. So, with a wave of the wand, the fairy turned him into an old age pensioner.

1^st O.A.P. :- “I still enjoy great sex at 67“

2nd O.A.P. :- “Yeah“

1^st O.A.P. :- “Which is handy, because I live at no. 65” “

This old bloke thought his wife, Barbara, was losing her hearing, so one day he decided to test it. He quietly walked in the front door and stood 30 feet behind her. "Barbara," he said, "can you hear me?" There was no response, so he moved 20 feet behind her. Barbara," he said, "can you hear me now?" Still no response. He advanced to ten feet and asked "Now can you hear me?" "Yes, dear," Barbara answered. "For the THIRD time, yes!"

An elderly lady met an old friend. When the friend asked how she was she replied “I’m not too bad but my husband passed away last week. He went out into the garden to cut a head of cabbage. As he leaned down he took a massive heart attack and that was him stone dead.” “And what did you do?” was the reply. “What could I do?” replied the first lady. “I had to open a tin of peas.”

A guy is 71 years old and loves to fish. He is sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride." The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water." "Coming right up," the bartender said. As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?" “well at my age” replies the old lady “I’ve learned how to hold my liquor, but water, that’s a different mater.

Two old blokes are sitting on a park bench when one turns to the other and says “I’m 85 years of age now and I’m full of aches and pains. I know you’re about the same age so how do you feel?” His friend replies by saying “I feel like a new born baby. I’ve no hair, no teeth and I think I’ve just wet my pants”

Two old blokes were sitting on a park bench. The older fellow says “It’s my ninetieth birthday today. The younger, seventy year old says. “Ninety years of age!! I wouldn’t want to live to that age.” “When you get to eighty nine years of age” says the older pensioner “You’ll be hoping you live to you’re ninety”

Q:- Did ye hear aboot the lonely prisoner?

A;- "He wis in his cell."

Two elderly ladies met up in the coffee shop for their elevenses. Madge stared at the side of her friends face and said “Annie, you’ve got a suppository in your ear” “O h god” replied Annie “Now I know where the earpiece for my hearing aid is”

AN old soldier in a British Legion club in Glasgow turned to his mate and asked him: "Do you remember when they used to put bromide in the forces' tea, to take our minds off sex? "When his pal nodded in confirmation, the old fellow added: "Well, I think it's beginning to work."

An old couple are sitting in a busy Doctors surgery. The elderly lady turns to her hubby and whispers “I’ve just done a silent fart. What should I do?” The old fellow replies. “Buy new batteries for your hearing aid”

When an old veteran was asked how he felt about growing old he replied: "Well, I prefer it to the alternative."

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting in that park every sunny day, for
over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others' friendship. One day, the younger of the two ladies turns to the other and says, "Please
don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't" The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to know?"

Old Herbie walks into the pub when the barman said “Where have you been Herbie. You havn’t been in here for a while” “I’ve just got out of jail. I was charged with rape.” “You’re 90 years of age. How could that be?” said the bar man. old Herbie replied. “I pleaded guilty and the judge gave me 6 months for perjury”

After the 62 year old got home from the hospital and settled in, a cousin travelled a far distance to visit her. Desperate to see the baby. The first thing she said was "where is he?" She replied "I've just given him his bottle and he's sleeping" "Can't I just take a peep" "No" the mother says "he wakens easily" after coffee The visitor asks again about where the baby was. "To tell you the truth" says the old mother "After I fed I put him down some where so I'm waiting for him to start crying so that I can find him"