Marriage Jokes

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He replied, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along. So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up took off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel. She said, 'That was incredible!' He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.' So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breaststroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard. He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?' 'No' she said, 'I was a hooker in Govan and I worked both sides of the Clyde.'

Brides are increasingly speaking at their own weddings. At the reception one bride stood up and said: "It wasn't exactly a proposal as such. He took me out to a Chinese restaurant for a romantic meal and asked, How would you like your rice? Fried or steamed?' I looked him in the eye and whispered, Thrown'."

This bloke gets up on a Saturday morning, puts his old clothes on and starts to do some gardening. After cutting his front hedges he about to mow the lawn when a car draws up. The lady who's driving the car rolls the window down and says "That's a fine job you're doing my man. What's the going rate for gardening around here?" " The woman who stays here let's me sleep with her." was the reply.

This bloke was feeling lonely so he put an advert in the paper for a wife. The next day he got 250 replies. They were all from blokes saying "Have mine"

Have you heard about the peeping tom who chapped our door last week and asked my wife to pull the curtains.

"The thrill has gone out of our marriage" sighs Bill to his friend Doug. "The why not add a air of intrigue to things and have an affair" Doug suggests. "Goodness me" replies Bill "What if my wife finds out?" "We're living in a new age" says Doug "Tell her about it" So back home, Bill says to his wife "I'm planning to have an affair, I think it'll make us closer." "Forget it" replies his wife "I've tried it a couple of times and it doesn't work"

A bloke walks into Marks & Sparks and says "It's my wife's birthday. Can I have a see through negligee size 50-55-65" "Why do you want to see through that" says the shop worker.

WE hear about a Scottish squaddie who had to tell his fiancee that he was going to Belize in Central America for six weeks jungle warfare training. Now the ladies of Belize have a reputation of being very friendly with visiting soldiers, so the chap's girlfriend was quizzing him closely on what he would be doing with his spare time.
When he protested that he would be behaving himself, she went out and bought him a harmonica, and said he could always learn to play it w

hen he was away. On his return he grabbed his girlfriend in an amorous embrace, but she pushed him back and told him: "There'll be none o' that until I hear you play a tune on the moothie."