Wife to husband :- Why do you always carry my photo in your wallet? Hubby :- When there’s a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. Wife :- Is that because you see me as powerful and miraculous for you. Hubby :- You’ve got to be joking! I look at your picture and ask myself “what other problem can be greater than this one?”

First Bloke :-  "Last night my wife asked me to rate her out of 10 sexually"

Second Bloke :- "And what did you say?"

First bloke :- "Not bad, but I can't wait to try the other nine"

Have you heard about the bloke that bought his wife a pogo stick and a running

machine for her Christmas. Do you think he was telling her to go take a running jump.

Did you hear about the bloke that broke up with his wife because she lied about her weight.

I said broke up, but actually she died in a bungee jumping accident.

First Bloke :-  "I gave my wife a small bottle of exquisite perfume for her Christmas "

Second Bloke :- "And what was it called ?"

First bloke :- "ample by Christian Dior. She didn't even notice I had rubbed the "S" of the front of it"

An elderly couple are at church. About half way through the service the lady leans over to her husband and whispers "I've just let off a silent fart. What should I do?" "Put new batteries in your hearing aid" was the reply.

Bloke to his wife "You are a double for Madonna." Wife "Do you really thinks so? darling" Yeah Madonna is eight and a half stone and you're seventeen. 

This bloke just goes back to work after a holiday. He says to his boss I would like next week off to get married. "Why didn't you that last week while you were off work?" asks the boss "What" replied the bloke "And waste my holiday"

After the wedding a couple are desperate to get to bed for you know what. Eventually they get to the honeymoon suite where she immediately strips off and lies spread eagled on the bed. She looks up at him and says "You know what I want. Don't you?" He replies "The whole f*****g bed by the looks of it"

Every time this bloke has an argument with his wife he goes into the spare room and watches his wedding video backwards. He likes the bit where he takes the wedding ring off her finger, walks back down the aisle, gets into his car and drives off.

Q;- What does it mean to come home to love, tenderness, compassion, understanding and great sex?

A:- IT MEANS YOU'RE IN THE WRONG HOUSE

George was 29 and still single. All of his friends were married, but George just dated and dated. One day Bill asked him why he wasn't married. "Don't you want to settle down? Are you holding out for the perfect woman? Are you having trouble meeting someone compatible?" "Actually," George replied, "I've found many women I would have been happy to marry. Things always start off fine, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother never approves of them." Bill thinks for a moment. "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl whose just like your mom!" A few months later Bill ran into George again. George looked a little depressed so Bill asked how things were going "Did you find the perfect girl? did your mother approve?" George shrugged his shoulders. "Yes, I found the perfect girl. Yes she was just like my mom. Yes, you were right, not only did my mom approve, but they became good friends." "What's the problem then?" asked Bill. "My father can't stand her."

The wedding was very emotional. The bride was starry eyed. The Bridegroom had a lump in his throat. The Bridesmaids were misty eyed. Even the wedding cake was in tiers.