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Irish Jokes
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey". Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven? O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father. The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent. "Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest. "I understand my son," says the priest "Can you make a Novena?" O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where did yi sae yer callin' from?"
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
A bloke walks into a shop and asks for 2 kg. of Irish Sausages. The lady behind the counter says “you’re Irish aren’t you?” “JUST BECAUSE I’VE ASKED FOR IRISH SAUSAGES DOES’NT MEAN THAT” says the bloke. “after all if I asked for Canadian dry wouldn’t mean I was Canadian and if I asked for a Danish pastry you wouldn’t think I was Danish. So why do you think I’m Irish. “This is Interflora” replied the shop lady.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Paddy and Mick were out one night for a works Christmas party. They missed the last bus and hadn’t enough money left for a taxi. As they dallied along the road the bus garage was just over the fence. Paddy jumped over the fence and said ”I’ll get a bus and drive us home” ten minutes later Paddy came out the garage “It’s no good I can’t find a no. 60 bus”. “Don’t be stupid” said Mick “just take a no. 67 and we’ll get off at the soap works and walk through the daisy park”
Two Irish men were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walked by and asks what they are doing. Paddy: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder" The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She then pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that it was eighteen feet and six inches. She then walked off. Mick: "Ain't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length"
Q:- What do you call a well hung Irishman?
A:- Miles O’Toole.
Customer:- “Have you got a tin of invisible paint please?”
Paddy:- “Yes, what colour would you like?”
Paddy is walking through the jungle on a hunting expedition. When he comes across a beautiful naked girl he asks “Are you game?” she answered in a sexy voice “yes I sure am” so Paddy shoots her.
Paddy :- “My wife’s a kleplomaniac”
Mick :- “Is she taking anything for it?”
A policeman was taking the coroner round a mortuary and was showing him three dead bodies with smiles on their faces. The coroner asked how they died. The policeman told him the first was an Italian who was making love to his mistress and had a heart attack. The next was a Scotsman who won the lottery and died from alcoholic poisoning. The third was an Irishman who died from lightning. The coroner asked why he was smiling. The policeman told him that he thought he was getting his photo taken!!!!
Out on the town one night, Paddy successfully chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place. "You can't make any noise," she warns him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us!" Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a while needs to use the toilet. "I have to go," he says. "Well you can't go upstairs, it's right next to my parents' bedroom," she replies. "Use the kitchen sink". So he dutifully retires to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks, "Do you have any paper?"
Paddy walks into a flag shop and asks the assistant for a green union jack. “Sorry” said the shop keeper “We only have red white and blue ones” “okay” says Paddy “I’ll take a blue one”
Paddy and Mick are on their first train ride. They bring bananas for a snack. Just as they are peeling them the train enters a long dark tunnel. “Mick have you eaten your banana yet?” asks Paddy “Not yet” replies Mick. “Well” responds Paddy “don’t touch it. I just took a bite of mine and I’ve went blind”
Paddy felt that he wasn’t being very successful in the romantic department. He decided to visit his local library for some reading matter on the subject. He picked a book which read “How to Hug”. When he got home Mick said to him “Why have you got three volumes of the Encylopedia Britannia”
Paddy was black belt in karate. He joined the army and the first time he done a salute he very nearly slit his head open.
Q:-Why did the Irish hitch hiker get up early in the morning?
A:- So he would miss the traffic
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy. Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face."Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?" "Mick phoned... you left your wheelchair at the pub.
Paddy goes into the pub on the just after the first day of British Summertime and said "I managed to make love for an sixty three minutes non-stop last night. Then I discovered that the clocks had gone forward an hour"
Paddy's wife asked him to go out and sweep up all the leaves. Ten minutes later she an agonizing squeal. When she went outside Paddy was lying with a broken leg. "What happened to you" she asked. "I fell out of the tree" Was the reply.
Q:- Have you heard about the Irish streaker?
A:- He ran through the Nudist colony with all his clothes on.