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Interesting Stories
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HOORAY FOR THE SENIOR GENERATION
A very self-important college freshman at a recent football game, took it upon
himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible
for the older generation to understand his own. "You grew up in a different,
actually almost primitive, world," the student said loud enough for the whole
crowd to hear. "We young people today grew up with television, jet planes, space
travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars...We even have
nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed
processing ....and uh......" Taking advantage of a pause for breath in the
student's litany, the wizened" one said, "You're right, Son. We didn't have those
things when we were young........so we invented them...... you arrogant little
shithead!! Now......what are you doing for the next generation??"
A mayonnaise jar and two cups of coffee.
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee. A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. the professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full, the students responded with a unanimous "YES". The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. Now, said the professor as the laughter subsided, I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things.... God, your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favourite passions.... and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter... your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else... the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, he continued, there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Take care of the golf balls first.... the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand. One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a cup of coffee with a friend."
the Mafia's lost money.
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting. "Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where the money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The deaf signs in reply, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The hood pulls out a large gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf man signs in reply, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate." The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."
Kidnapping
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and
asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Tony Blair, John Prescott, Gordon Brown and
Jack Straw. They're asking for a £300 million ransom. Otherwise they're going
to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to
car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
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> "About a gallon."
Desert Island
"You mean... I can check my e-mail from here?"
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A MOTHER
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pyamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?"
"Yes" was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
THE RABBIT JOKE
A rabbit walks into a pub
and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie." The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a
ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie,
he then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks
for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now
intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word
gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit
consumes them and leaves. The next night, the pub is packed, in walks
the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please
barman." The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and
toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down. The
next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been
laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, The barman is making more
money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and
says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman",
smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm
sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and
Cheese Toasties." The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to
almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
"We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie." The rabbit looks him
in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated
breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile
says, "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know
you'll love it." "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a
Cheese and Onion Toastie." The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs
the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves
- NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later in the now impoverished public
house the barman calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar,
he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says,
"Who are you?" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit
that used to frequent your public house." The barman says, "I remember
you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint
of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this
place was famous." The rabbit says, "Yes I know." The barman said, "I
remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties,
you had a Cheese and Onion one instead." The rabbit said "Yes, you
promised me that I would love it." The barman said "You never came back,
after that fateful night. What happened?"
"I DIED", said the Rabbit.
"what from?" asks the bar man.
After a short pause, the rabbit said ... "Mixing Me Toasties."
THE DUCK JOKE
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint
of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But
you're a duck" "I see you're eyes are working" replies the duck. "And
you talk!" exclaims the landlord. "I see you're ears are working" says
the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly,"
says the landlord, " sorry about that, it's just we don't get many
talking ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm
working on the building site across the road" explains the duck. So the
duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for
about
2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ring leader of the
circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him; "You're with the
circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your
circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!" "Sounds marvellous" says
the ringleader, "get him to give me a call." So the next day, the duck
comes into the pub. The landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line
you up with a top job, paying really good money!" "Yeah?" says the duck,
"Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus" says the landlord. "The
circus?" the duck inquires. "That's right" replies the landlord.The
circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals, and the big
canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" "That's right!" says the
landlord The duck looks confused. "What the f*ck do they want with a plasterer?"
THE PRIEST THE MINISTER AND THE RABBI
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi would
get together twice a week for coffee to talk shop. One day, someone made
the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real
challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and
they decided to do an experiment. They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches,
and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he
says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I
began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing
to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy
water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a
lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and
confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and
brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and
I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY
WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another
until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy
soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent
the rest of the day praising Jesus." They both looked down at Rabbi Goldberg, who
was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The
rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have
been the best way to start."
Where did railway track gauge come from?
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The US standard
railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4
feet,
8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Now, the twist to the story. When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by
train from the factory
to the launch site.
Manure: An interesting fact
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship, and before the discovery of fertilizer's beneficial properties, large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier but the process of fermentation began again. A by product of fermentation is methane gas, so as the stuff was stored below decks in bundles, you can imagine what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit," which meant sailors should stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term " S.H.I.T. " (Ship High In Transport), which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true origin of this word. Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term.
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