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Hooker & Brothel Jokes
Bloke approaches the first hooker and asks “How much for a short time love” She replies “£40” He goes up to the next lady of the night and gets the same reply. However when he gets to the third prostitute the answer is “£60” He says “but those two ladies down the road only take £40“ “Yes” she replied “But I am in the institute of prostitutes. They’re not; they failed the oral.”
The lady proprietor of this high street brothel was finding things a bit tough. She therefore decided to increase her turnover by partitioning off the bedrooms making each room into two. This allowed her to double the beds, double the number of girls she had and after a few months double her profit. Everything was going fine until she received a letter from the local council building control department it read
Dear Madam
We have received reports of illegal erections at your premises.
A couple are on their wedding night when she say’s to him “I’ve a confession to make dear. I used to be hooker” “Don’t worry about that love. In fact I find that quite kinky and erotic” said the new hubby. She replied “But, my name was George then and I played rugby with Wigan Wasps”.
The barber was finishing a haircut on a customer one day and started to apply some 'Aftershave Lotion' around his ears when the customer yelled, "Don't put that crap on me! If my wife says it smells she’ll think I’ve been to at a brothel!" Another customer who was waiting replied, "Hey John, you can put the 'Aftershave Lotion' on me... My wife doesn’t know what a Brothel smells like!"
A hooker is told by her doctor that's she's pregnant. "Do you know who the father is?" he asks in a mild tone. "Well doc" she shrugs. "if you ate a can of beans, would you know which one made you fart.
This lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The prices are £200, £200 and £20. She asks the shopkeeper why the last one is so cheep. "well" he explains "he used to live in a brothel. "I don't mind that" she says and buys the one at £20. When she gets home the parrot squawks "Oh, a new brothel" The lady laughs at this. When her two daughters get home the parrot says "Oh my, two new hookers" The daughters find this funny as well. When the woman's husband gets home from work, the parrot shrieks "Hello Pete, I haven't seen you for a while"
Q:- What do you call a Russian Hooker?
A:- Onya Bakalot
This American Tourist is walking along Bothwell Street one evening. He approaches a lady of the night and says "How much for a short time, honey?" "£50" she replies. "American Express?" he asks. "for 50 quid you can go as fast as you like" was the reply.
A Scotsman visited a brothel in Paris and on leaving was very surprise to be handed 10,000 francs. He decided to call again the next evening and the same thing happened. On the third night he was disappointed not to be given the francs and asked why, only to be told, "We were not televising tonight."
Two small kids are hiding behind a hedge spying on the front door of this brothel. A bloke walks up and chaps the door. When the madam answers the door the bloke says is £40 okay. The madam replies in the affirmative and the bloke enters the house. Ten minutes later another bloke appears. He makes an offer of £50 and is also led in. The small lads are intrigued by this and one asks the other how much money he has "£2" was the reply. "I've got £3 that makes a fiver. Lets find out what this is all about" says the first kid. They walk up and chap the door. When the madam appears the older boy says "Is £5 okay" The madam takes the boys by the scruff of the neck thumps their heads together and sends them on their way. While running down the path the younger lad says to his older pal "Thank goodness we only had a fiver"
This bloke went out with his girlfriend and asked her, "Why is it every time I go out with you, I end up spending over a hundred pounds?"
"Because I'm a prostitute."