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Funeral Jokes
The seventeen year old lad hated going to family weddings ... all of his aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to him, poke him in the ribs, cackle, and tell him, "You're next." ... At the next wedding none of his relatives did this. His mother thought this strange so she approached him and asked why the kidding had stopped. He replied “at the funeral we were at last week I did the same to all of them”
An old fellow was on his deathbed and hadn’t long to go. He suddenly smelled the aroma of newly baked apple tart. With his last bit of energy he pulled himself out of bed. As he makes his way into the kitchen he found his wife rolling pastry for a new batch of pies. He reached over for one of the freshly baked ones. With a snarl his wife roared “Leave them alone. They’re for the funeral.”
At an 100th. birthday party in an old folks home the Matron said to the old fellow “What has been the happiest day in your life?” “Oh I remember it well” said the centenarian “I got up in the morning and put on my new suit, my new white shirt and tie. The limo took me to the church. Then I walked down the isle to where she was waiting for me. Then I smiled at her, caressed her petite face with my hand and gave her a peck on the cheek. I then had the coffin lid screwed down.”
Two old women were discussing funerals. One turns to the other and says “You know, if you’re not at my funeral I won’t be at yours”
An 80 year old lady was being interviewed by the local news
station because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The
interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be
marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's
occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman
thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind
telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a
living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After
a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that
she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus
ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in
her 80's, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished,
and asked her why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled
and explained "I married one for the money, two for the show,
three to get ready, and four to go".
As a woman left her house one morning she noticed an unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. There were two black hearses spaced about 50 metres apart. Behind the second hearse there was a woman walking a pit bull terrier on a leash. And, behind her there were 200 women in single file. Curiosity got the better of the spectator so she went up to the lady with the pit bull and asked her about the peculiar funeral cortege. “Well” replied the lady “The first car carries my late hubby. This dog here killed him. The second car carries my mother in law. She tried to defend my husband so the dog killed her as well.” “incredible!!” replies the bystander “do you think I could borrow the dog?” she asks “join the end of the queue” was the reply.
This lady has a fancy man. Her husband doesn’t mind as it’s an open relationship. Unfortunately she passed away. At the funeral the fancy man is besot with grief. The husband feeling sorry for him puts his hands on his shoulders in a consoling way and says “Don’t fret they’ll always be somebody else. After all I’m definitely getting married again.
Just before the funeral of Bill’s wife Martha the funeral directors are carrying her coffin from the house. On the way out they bump the coffin against a wall and a faint moan comes from inside. Astonishingly Martha is still alive and later goes on to live another 10 years. Martha passes away again and as she is being carried from her home in the coffin Bill shouts at the funeral directors “Watch the wall this time!”
A traveling salesman through a small village when he's held by a huge funeral procession. He said to one of the locals "Who died?" "I'm not sure" said the villager "But I think it's the one in the coffin"