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Doctor Jokes
This bloke gets a check up. After which the doctor tells him everything is okay. The doctor then asks the patient if there’s any medical matters that he would like to discuss. “as a matter of fact” says the bloke “I have a slight problem. After making love with my wife I feel hot and sticky. Then the second time I have sex I feel cold and shivery. The medic looks up his daybook and says “I’m seeing your wife this afternoon so I’ll look into the matter then. After explaining the problem to the bloke’s other half she says “That’s because the first time he has sex it’s July and the next time it’s February.
The lady goes to the doctor complaining about a sore back. After numerous “x” rays and tests the doc admits he’s unable to find the cause. As a last resort he asks her if she has changed any of her physical habits recently. The lady blushed and stammered a little saying “Er, yes, sex, I now do it doggie style” “That’s it” said the quack “You’ll have to go back to face to face” “I can’t do that” retorted the woman “My alsation’s breath stinks”
This lady is visiting his wife in hospital when the doctor takes her to the side and says “I don’t like the look of your husband” “Neither do I” replies the wife “But he’s away from home a lot and he’s great with the kids”
Patient :- Doctor, doctor I keep seeing double.
Doctor :- take it easy and sit down on this seat.
Patient :- Which one, Doctor?
Doctor to patient “I’ve got good news and bad news for you. The good news is that you’re not a hypochondriac.”
Six weeks after a major heart operation a bloke is back at the doctor for a check up. “Just one thing” asked the bloke “When can I resume my sex life?” “Yes” said the doc “you can now have sex, but only with your wife. We don’t want you to get too exited”
This Bloke goes to the doctor with swollen ankles. While the doc is examining him the bloke says “Well doctor, what do you think?” “Gout” says the doc. “Bloody hell” Says the bloke “I’ve only just come in”
This bloke varnishes his toilet seat. Unbeknown to him his mischievous ten year old son has put some super glue into the varnish. When his wife uses the toilet the seat becomes solidly fixed to her posterior. He puts an oversized nightdress on her and takes her to the doctor. When he gets into the medics surgery he lifts the back of the nightdress up, gets his wife to bend down and says to the doc “What do you think of that?” “Not bad” replies the doctor “But why have you got it framed?”
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put you down."
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A woman was in town on a shopping trip.
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. she decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!' The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed..... The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Let's see what you bought?
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A man goes to doctor and says "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pop Star" The medic says "Nurse get me this man's records"
After undergoing a full medical a nervous bloke asks the Doc. how long he's got left. "I'll give it to you straight" replies the Doctor. "Ten" "Ten what" replies the patient. "Ten what ten years ten months ten what?" the Doc replies "ten nine eight ......."
First nurse "I've scored with every doctor in this hospital"
Second nurse "And intern"
First nurse "No not alphabetically"
A doctor is holding his stethoscope to the chest of well endowed girl. "Okay" he says "Big breaths" "Yeth" she replies "And I'm only thixteen"
Q:- If a stork is the bird that brings babies which bird prevents them?
A:- A swallow