blonde Jokes

A blonde goes into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother in Essex. The man tells her it will be £100. She exclaims, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother back home!" To that the man asks, "Anything?" And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!" With that, the man says, "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does. He then says, "Take down my fly." She does. Then he says, "Go ahead, take it out." With that she kneels down and takes it out then takes hold of it with both hands. The man then says, "Well, go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says “It stinks” sorry, no she never, she says "Hello... Mom?"

The blonde girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" Very good," said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!" Very good," said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. Very good," said her patient mother. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" No, dear, it's because you're 25."

A blonde phoned her brunette pal to invite her to a party. “I can’t come” said the brunette “I’ve got a bad case of laryngitis” “well, just bring it over” said the blonde “I can drink anything”

Two Irish men were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walked by and asks what they are doing. Paddy: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder" The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She then pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that it was eighteen feet and six inches. She then walked off. Mick: "Ain't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length"

This blonde has been trying to do a jigsaw all afternoon. As her hubby walks in she says “Will you help me. Its supposed to be a tiger” “Put the frosties back in the box and get the f*****g tea ready” says the bloke.

Q: What did the blonde say when she was showed her newborn baby in the
delivery room?
A-: I'm not going to suck anything *that* small.

Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A-: Their mothers told them not to speak with their mouths full.

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A-:So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could arrest you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." he says. She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

A blind man is sitting in a bar. After a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke? "The entire place becomes so quiet you could hear a pin drop. In a deep, husky voice, the woman sitting next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair....given that you are blind....that you should know five things: Number 1: I'm a 6-foot-tall, 175-lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
Number 2: The bartender is a blonde girl who keeps a baseball bat? under the counter.
Number 3: The lady to your right is a blonde champion wrestler. Number 4: The woman sitting next to me is a blonde professional weightlifter. And number 5: The bouncer is a blonde woman who once killed a man in self-defence! Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do ya still wanna tell that blonde joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, then shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah.. . . . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Amy, a blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I hammered a nail into the beam just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along long rows of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one..... right here." Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?" "That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says: "I guess it's to hang your trousers on..."

A blonde was involved in a road accident. A few days latter she went to the police station to make a statement. The officer asked her “So what gear were you in when the incident occurred?” The blonde answered “Let me think. Oh yes it was a gorgeous little pink number with matching shoes and gloves.”

A blonde takes her broken down car to the garage for repair. The mechanic fixes it in five minutes and says “Just sh*t in the carburetor” “really” replies the blonde “how often do I need to do that?”

Q: Why do blondes wear tight fitting skirts?
A-: To keep their legs together.

Hear about the blonde who had three new windscreens fitted. Then she discovered she had a crack. In her glasses that is.

Q-: Why can't you tell blondes knock knock jokes ?
A-: because they go an answer the door.

Did you hear about the blonde who drove round the roundabout fifty seven times. Her indicator was stuck on.

Two blondes are lying in bed. One says to the other "Well i don't think much of this wife swapping carry on. "Me neither" says the other blonde "I wonder how the boys are getting on?"

Two blondes are traveling on the train late one night when a male passenger flashes them. "Quick Sharon give me your mobile", one says. "Are you going to call the police?" Sharon asks. "No" she replies "I'm going to call my boy friend and reassure him that I've just seen somebody with a smaller willy than his."

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

Q: - What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A:- A brunette with bad breath.

The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor in disgust took an empty cornflake packet with a hole to see through, and put it on her head to cover up the other eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get upset about getting glasses." "I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

Two bored casino workers were waiting at a crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet £2,000 on a single roll of the dice. She said " I hope you don't mind, but I feel luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled" Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered "YES! YES! I won! I won!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked " What did she roll?" The other answered " I don't know, I thought you were watching!
Moral : Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!

A blonde female police officer pulled over a blonde woman for speeding. The blonde cop approached the car and asked the blonde for her driver's license. The blonde driver asked, "What does a driver's license look like?" as she searched through her bag. The blonde cop said, "It's a little thing with your picture on it." The driver pulled out her powder compact, opened it, looked in the mirror and handed it to the officer. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the blonde and said, "If you'd told me you were a police officer, we could have avoided all this."

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any" 'But I always buy it here," says the blonde "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist "YES," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant" Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container “Push up Bottom”.

Two blondes on a holiday flight when one says to the other "If this plane turns upside down, do you think we'll fall out?" "No" says the second blonde "After all we've been friends all our life"

A blonde goes down her front drive every half hour to check her mail box. Her next door neighbour asks her why she's doing this. "Well" replies the blonde "My computer keeps telling me I've got mail"

Have you hears about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went. It wasn't till morning that it dawned on her.

Have you heard about the blonde who thought Johnny Cash was money for the condom machine.

Have you heard about the blonde shoplifter. She went into Argos and came out with 4 pens and two catalogues.

Have you heard about the blonde bank clerk. Her idea of safe sex was to have it on top of the vault.

A brunette a redhead and a blonde are lying in the morgue. As all three have smiles on their faces the Mortician asks the porter why they're so happy looking. "Well" says the porter "the brunette had just won the lottery and she had a fatal heart attack with the shock. The redhead had been having sex and just had a quadruple orgasm. It must have been too much for her. And the blonde was struck by lightning." "so why was the blonde smiling" Asks the mortician. "She thought she was having her photo taken" was the reply.

A blonde went into a garage and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. Everybody looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it ' s right there." It read "OIL"

A blonde gets a new job in an office and is told that her first job is to get a round of coffees. She grabs a large thermos flask and heads for a nearby cafe. Holding up the thermos she asks the waitress if it's big enough to hold seven cups of coffee. When the waitress says yes the blonde replies "Great give me three black, two lattes and two regular decafs"

The blonde who's sitting at her office desk when the phone suddenly rings. Ten seconds later she burst into tears and is consoled by her work colleagues who ask what the matter is. "My gran's dead she sobs." A minute later the phone goes again. Once again goes into a fit of crying and says "That was my sister. Her gran is dead as well"

Q: Why was the blonde staring at the carton of orange juice?
A-: Because it said on it "CONCENTRATE".

A blonde goes into a greengrocers and asks for a bag of potatoes. The shopkeeper says "Certainly, madam, will you take King Edwards? "No way" replies the blonde "He can get his own".

Two blondes are discussing their sex lives. "Do you believe in sex before marriage?" asks the first blonde. "Not if it makes you late for the wedding" replies the second blonde.

Two blondes emerge from the zoo covered in cuts, bruises and with half their clothes in tatters. The first blonde says "That's the last time I try that lion dancing"

A blonde is walking down the road with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A police walks up to her and says "Madam are you aware that I could arrest you for indecent exposure?" She says "Why officer?" "Because your right breast is hanging out" replies the copper. She looks down and screams "Oh my god. I've left my baby on the bus again"

A blonde asked her boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said a green jumper. She gave him a frog.

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach under a palm tree.   He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
                        The brunette said, 'Have you ever had a hug?'
                        The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
                        The redhead said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
                        The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
                        The blonde came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f ***ed?'
                        The fellow said, 'No.'

                        (wait for this)

                        She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

Q-: How do you know a blonde has been on you computer?
A-: Because it has typex all over the screen.

Have you heard about the dumb blonde who thought cammy knickers were folk who stole soap.

A blonde was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off. 'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.' 'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians ride bare back.

A brunette is doing a crossword and says to her blonde pal "a flightless bird from Iceland with 6 and 7 letters." "That's easy" said the blonde "It's a frozen chicken"

Have you heard about the one eyed blonde? She thought she should only be paying half the television license fee. Then she ended up getting a job as a traffic warden in a one way street.

As this bloke enters his house after work his blonde wife says "I think I'm anorexic" While trying to keep the snigger in the bloke says "why do you think that, love" "It says in this woman's magazine when an anorexic looks in the mirror she sees an over weight repulsively obese person" was the reply.

A blonde went into the railway station and said to the clerk "A ticket to Paris please" The official said "Eurostar?" The blonde said "Well I once auditioned for Britain's got talent. But I'm no Madonna"